We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Birds & Planes.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.