Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
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my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.