ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.