Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
You Might Also Like
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
S O O N
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.