Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
finally
Why does laundry happen to good people?
#Thanos #MondayMood
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?