Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.