I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.