Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
mom gave me mine for free
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
car not found
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.