my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
You Might Also Like
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal