I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.