Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.