If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa