People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The glockness monster
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.