If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!