“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
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as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
For anyone who needs this today
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
HELP 😭
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.