My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”