*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You Might Also Like
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this