*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Nothing to do, you say?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never