Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Note to self: I am a note
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty