In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
who did the taste test?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.