Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Dishonest mechanic?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.