My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.