Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS