The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
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[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Yup
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …