WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.