My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
i hope my email finds you on fire
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*