[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life