My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
What is going on? 😅
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup