[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates