There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Breaking news:
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids