Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?