15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
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The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Merry Christmas
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought