I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.