my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn