Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
When I snag the last meatball.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels