Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
they split up moments later
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.