When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My guardian angel deserves a raise