A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
hackers play passwordle
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
ATMs should have breathalyzers