wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
The news
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Don’t snitch tag.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him