Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
congratulations to them
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved