I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
the last thing a carrot sees
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.