Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.