*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?