*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If a snake ate a cake
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista