Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.