Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*