Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
We’re all getting idioter.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?