Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Dead
Alive
Other✔
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.