Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up