me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
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Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really